busy bee

i had a really good day at my first day working at power monkey. i was busy the entire time and it was good. i didn't have to think about everything else that was going on in my life and could completely focus my mind entirely on the task at hand. that hasn't happened in a very long time. i know i shouldn't rely on other things to think that things will change and that i will change but i still will hope that i will have that change in me again so I can feel back to normal or just somewhat good about myself in general.

lots of work means me going to sleep early and i can't wait. i don't feel like a total waste of life anymore.

the only thing i can do

its been really rough at night lately for me and i figured i just have to channel all this emotion and distress into drawing something, because since this is the only emotion i am feeling i might as well transfer the energy of it into something else instead of me just laying in bed at night and waiting to get so tired from being so upset and pass out. i made a pretty little bird tonight.

2 ex-bfs have contacted me this week. i don't know what to make of this. one i do not want in my life at all. hes a person that i have nothing in common with and was verbally abusive with me. i could care less if i ever saw him again. the other one i can't decide..... i guess hes made some sort of effort to hangout with me but it never follows through and makes me question why i am being contacted in the first place. its unfinished business. i was never given an answer to really when and why it was ended and he moved on to someone else a couple monthes later. do i think that was fair? not at all. i see him with a girl a little over a month later at the mall while i turn away in hurt with my friends and his friends. what am i suppose to think? did i mean anything to him at all? did i do everything for him and it was taken for granted? it makes me wonder if i should ever be so open and trusting with a guy again, but he was followed by another guy who has ruined all chance of me really trusting guys who i involve myself with in a dating manner i guess. i hate that i have been fucked over by almost every guy i have dated since chris. theres only 1 guy that i still am very close with and trust but still nothing has worked out and it has been more than a year later now. does this make me regret breaking up with chris since i knew he loved me? no, not at all. i wasn't in love with him anymore. my life would not be what it is now. i would not have met so many amazing people that i love in my life now. it just makes me really wonder what im looking for anymore in a partner, or if im making the same mistakes and just not recognizing what i am doing and thats why these things happen. but i can't recognize it because every guy i have dated is so different from each other. they maybe have some music in common but everything else is different. i am as clueless as ever and do not know where life is going to take me or who i will end up with, but i wish for my sake that any guy that wishes to be involved in my life for my own sanity and heart will not break my heart again.

start today

so today has really shown me how depressed i was. i would say for the last two months or less all i would do is sleep most of the day, stay in my room all day. do maybe one thing like hangout with friends or something and that was it. i could care less about anything except sleeping and forgetting who i am. i wanted to forget what had happened to me so badly my brain convinced my body to just be exhausted all the time forcing me to fall asleep. today has been the first day in a while where i have successfully done a multiple of things and not feeling the need to go take a nap or something. i ate also very healthy today. i've been getting things done. i am going on an interview with zumiez later for a 2nd job. im feeling really motivated to keep myself busy and im hoping everything else will fall into place also. im hoping that today is the start of me feeling back to myself again even though i know things are still going to be hard.

what am i searching for

What I'm searching for
to tell it straight, I'm tryin to build a wall
Walking by myself
down avenues that reek of time to kill
If you see me keep going
be a pass by waver
Build me up, bring me down
just leave me out you name dropper
Stop tryin to catch my eye
I see you good you forced faker
Just make it easy
You're my enemy you fast talker

I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for all the things that I believe

What am I here for
I left my home to disappear is all
I'm here for myself
Not to know you
I don't need no one else
Fit in so good the hope is that you cannot see me later
You don't know me
I am an introvert an excavator
I'm duckin' out for now
a face in dodgy elevators
Creep up and suddenly
I found myself
an innovator

Change, change, change,
I want to get up out of my skin
tell you what
if I can shake it
I'm 'a make this
something worth dreaming of

i hate that you get to be happy now and i don't. i hate that i ever tried. i hate that im so fucking alone.

when he said i always looked pretty it made me forget how horrible i feel about myself. he always makes me forgot that i feel horrible and makes me feel so happy and amazing. its that look.

i want me back

i want the old me back before summer happened. i don't like me now. i don't like any part of me now. i actually hate me. can't i have me back. why did this have to ruin me. it ruined all of my confidence in myself.

if i can't change how i feel soon.... i don't know what to do anymore. i don't have any answers, and no one can give me any.

i made the mistake and i just really never know when im going to forgive myself. i still can't accept it. i thought i did, but i haven't at all. i hate myself for being so stupid. i wish i could forgive myself now but that won't be happening very soon.

i want to scream hoping that it would leave but it won't. its never going to leave me now.

help me find the strength to get past this because im so fucking tired and i have no more excuses to give myself.

please can i get lucky already

So I keep telling myself something's going to change
Maybe I'll get lucky then I can smile again
Cause that's what I want to do
I want a smile for you
I'm waiting for some things to go my way

depressive siblings

i know my brother is depressed. he drinks in his room at night and watches whatever is on tv or plays video games.

as am i. sleeping till 11 almost every day and watching tv, browsing the internet, eating, watching whatever else.

partners in crime.

at least i know im not alone.

i hate being alone. hate being alone. cant take being alone.

i fucking hate everything

i hate how i feel about everything. i feel like fucking shit.

need more of it

im just so in love

with ska again and it makes me soooooo happy. for a while i had some attached emotions with certain bands to a certain someone and i forgot how much i love this music. so fucking happy right now its great. i just have the urge to buy a ton of bosstones records and just fuck. its great.

heres what i really have to do starting this week:

apply for internships/jobs

buy yarn and buttons for my grandma for my sweater

draw ( i've just lost all motivation this past month but im starting to feel better about myself again)

keep being healthy and taking my vitamins and such

start riding a lot more again ( im feeling healthy again and not so physically weak)

prepare myself for school to be starting, fuck i can't believe it.

get an oil change in the car.

start putting money away for my next tattoo.

finish my fucking room! which entails:

buying ink so i can finish printing out pictures

spray paint the mirror and find things so i can hang the mirror without a frame

hang the rest of the frames

a lot to do but i just really need to start to get myself moving thats all.

i wake up

feeling sick and shitty everyday now. but the day always gets better as it goes along.

this month has been the hardest month of my entire life. not gonna lie my self-confidence is fucking shot. i feel like im in high school again, cause thats what my self-confidence was like.

i've lost so much motivation in so much of me.

im most happy when im hanging out with my friends. i forget about how i feel and just laugh cause i know its the best thing for me right now. but as before i was able to be by myself and be comfortable, i can't now. i feel so much lonelier now and it sucks. i was always so good at doing things alone before and now i can't say the same anymore.

i've continued to have really great friends in nj, and gained so many in long island. john has been an amazing person to me and if it wasn't for him i don't know if i would have gotten out of bed in this month.

it really fucking sucks that bad things happen to good people and now i understand that statement so much now. i just gotta keep busy. keep me busy.

the mornings are always the worst when i wake up.

i just want to like myself again. that is all.

the people we meet

i have met so many amazing new friends this summer and i am so thankful for it. i also met some shitty people but i have a big heart and have forgiven them and we have gotten past all the stupid bullshit.

in other news, i just spent 3 days non-stop of absolute insane fun. it was great and makes me want to move to long island.

i will do this one day. join me.

im going crazy

im going crazy here. get me out of here!

so confused. so utterly confused. but when has life not been confusing.

i wish

i wish wish wish

that life was so much less complicated......

i just want someone to take care of me thats all.

and i will flail under these lights that seep down from the bitter sky tonight

and i will kick and beat my wrists together

and feel an ocean breathing waves, feel them licking at my face.

ceilings don't exist and there are no floors beneath me.

if i were king of this night, would you become my queen?

and i hope, your majesty that you like your position.

i'll do everything i can to keep you by my side

and i'll stare off through the darkness to find us a kingdom.

just kiss me before i go.

i'll have to walk a thousand miles just to find the ground deserving of your feet.

you could throw me down and walk on me

and i'd just look on through my love and through the haze.

bearrrr

oh hell yea i want this. bear obsession reaching an all time high!

finding humor in everything now

i have learned so much this week.

im going to get through it all.

im going to be healthy.

im going to be even more positive about everything.

ive also really learned to find humor in all of these very shitty events that have happened.

gotta keep laughing and gotta keep smiling.

my dad is still in the hospital. i really hope he feels better tomorrow so he can come home. i feel very bad for him. don't like seeing him in any pain at all.

i went to a very funny party tonight in englishtown. was all hyped about riding my bike over when it started to rain. then i waited it out a little so it was only a slow drizzle and rode over. some car honked at me, typical guido asshole. don't worry asshole im saving money on my gas! got to john's house. everyone was pretty sloshed but i was mainly there to see elana. it was fun for the majority of the time making fun of the drunk dorks with elana, but then some stupid girl started talking about coke and it was disgusting and i wanted to spit on her face. ive never had the urge to spit on someone before but on her i did. so i left. also some guy told me i was fresh. ha! just pointing out the obvious! had some good laughs and saw john, dan, elana, and that was good enough for me. rode back.

very fun riding at night when no one is on the road. just great.

getting better i think

so i stayed in last night. took a nap. ate well. got a lot of rest. fallen asleep by 10pm. i definately don't feel tired at work today which hasn't happened in a very long time. took all my pills and vitamins and what not today. drank a cup of oj, had a bagel with tea. once i get my energy up a little bit more again, i feel like ill be up to riding my bike. that has probably been the worst part of me being sick and burnt out. i have no energy to do really anything and when I do, do anything relatively physical, I crash horribly afterwards. i just really miss riding my bike and its probably been about 2 weeks since I have.

i wish i was joking about how i feel right now. but im not. im just trying to get myself better so this doesn't happen again or continue how it is.

since this is my last week of work today we are getting blizzards, and I can't wait to get it!

A blizzard can put anyone in better spirits. Come on!

falling asleep

i think i need to type something, otherwise im just gonna fall asleep as I sit here really having nothing to do at work. god im so tired.

can't wait to go home and relax. i really need next week to go away. i need the rest so badly. my immune system is hurting badly right now and i need to make it strong again. im going to start taking better care of myself ever than before. physically im just not paying attention to my body. im gonna start taking vitamins, drink oj everyday, get more rest, eat really healthy.

i want a dog!

dogs!

i just really love taking photos of dogs and haven't in the longest time. sucks!

photos/found

books

i want a large book case like this and all the books to fill it. one day!

sick still!

what the fuck i am still sick. not funny! i just had some amy's alphabet soup which was delicious.

i want to make some cookies now. fuck!

i forgot i had these from california from that so called vacation i went on with chris and jimmy which was really a nightmare and a complete waste of my time. we had gone to this awesome old arcade that had these great fortune teller machines and games in san francisco.

this one said: Your hand indicates there are some bad lines that point to danger, unless care is used. Do not harbor unjust suspicion, for you will be in the wrong. Yours is a long life, and the last part is by far the best. Illness figures once only, and occurs around your fiftieth year. You have usually great vitality and magnetism. You will marry once and have a large family. There is one disturbing factor so have a care as to how you manage home matters.

this one said: You are a born leader, with a sense of justice and good memory. Firm in any conviction. Home loving, dependable and devoted to family and friend... Tempermental personality and desirous of being frank...

my body hates me ha!

i spent today in bed. my body finally physically told me to take a break. i didn't want to but like i said my body had other days. im feeling a lot better right now. have drank a ton of oj today. finally took some advil and that helped a lot. slept a ton. so im hoping this stupid shitty throat stuff doesn't come back again and my body got to re energize today.

im running out of room on my book shelf. i just love getting all these awesome books so much. i can't help it!

i also have a large craving for pancakes. particularly banana pancakes. have to get those sometime this week or make them.

certain

i think im so certain about people and then im not anymore. i scare myself. i just don't want to keep making the same mistakes over. just don't want to get hurt again. its hard to trust but i know ill do it. im hoping ill be lucky this time. but i don't think its about luck anymore. all i know is that im certain i like him. that is what i am certain about and i guess thats all i need to know right now.

i need tea again. my throat is acting up again.

best weekend

i went up to long island this weekend and it was seriously the best. i was so exhausted by all the fun i had and i want it to be like that always. best best best.

i love it!

thank you rebel 8 for putting all this stuff on sale and so i could especially get that hoodie that i had wanted so badly monthes ago. score! 8 dollars for shirts and that hoodie was 16. god damn thats good!

best

"I wish I could be a genius so that I can build a teleporter just for you."

best text i've received in a while :)

yesterday

yesterday i had the best day with my friends.

yesterday i saw something at the mall that broke my fucking heart.

im not ok now. not at all. i can't even breathe right now. i have never felt so hurt in my entire life.

i was driving

whenever im driving late at night now all i wanna do is drive out of this state to anywhere. where? i have no clue, but i just want to keep driving and staying dark outside. music playing, back roads in the trees, no ones there, im the only one one the road.

i woke up this morning and when i was driving to work, i wanted to cry, i held the last month in hoping things were looking up and different but i was wrong and i let him get away with what he wanted to do with me. i was just a pawn in his chess game. i never meant anything to him.

i stopped myself, from crying, he isn't worth it. not worth it.

i hope i don't have bad luck forever.

i need to remember to make an eye appointment. im pretty sure my vision got worse again.

crazy

this weekend was very crazy and drama filled and im glad it is over with.

new week. new things. new beginnings.

maybe

ill punch you in the face or one of my friends will, and you'll hurt just as much as i do right now.

decisions, decisions.

so much built up

so much built up inside me. you have absolutely no idea. i have no idea. this is too much for me to handle every day. i want some happiness back. i want it back so badly.

i need some luck or something.

this morning

this morning had a shitty start. i forgot to bring the coffee maker for my aunt and she was gonna pick it up from me at work. since i already had forgotten it yesterday i had to drive back and get it even though i was only 2 minutes away. ughhhhhhh. so instead of my driving for 20 minutes, it was more like an hour. im such a idiot sometimes haha.

they day has progressed now. im in such a funk. i have a reason to be mad about it all. i have a reason to be frustrated. i just want a straight answer from really any guy. im tired of playing games.

thanks for making me feel like crap and not good enough.

i try so fucking hard and i feel like im running in circles. nothing progresses and nothing changes. im having a bad day and everything is annoying me. i dont want to be around anyone. just really fuck everyone.

mmm love a good t-shirt

went with laura to the mall, target, and marshalls and i got a bunch of clothes yesterday. everything was decently priced. i got 2 pairs of jeans, tank top, 4 t-shirts, 3 dresses all for around a 100 bucks. that isn't bad at all. so im set for a while now.

i still want this dress from forever 21 that i saw on their website so im just gonna order it off there cause it was not in the store. poo!

afterwards me and laura were hysterical over doing the photobooth on my computer. i also proceeded to forget that my ceiling fan was going and i jumped and hit my hand into the spinning blades and fell on the floor laughing. great times.

then we went to the inkwell, met up with shaina, her cousins, sam, and nick. i had a delicious ice brownie sunday. yummmmm. i want another one right now! ton of fun. lot of good laughs and got some things cleared up that had been bothering me cause when is something not bothering me, really.

now im so freaking tired.

my grandmother fell and broke her ankle in two spots. oof.
my brothers graduation party is tomorrow. oof.
my aunt and uncle are coming today. yay.
hopefully i can see paul later.

retail therapy

yes i am going shopping for cute dresses, and maybe some new jeans and shorts and whatever else. yes it is going to make me feel better and i don't care.

my teeth hurt

i hate going to the dentist. they tell me i have to wear retainers for the rest of my life cause apparently your teeth are always shifting. well fuckkkkk that haha. so they yell at me everytime i go in and tell me to where it. nope! not doing it!

i had gummi worms with my lunch today. i havent had gummi worms in monthes.
it was good.

how come of all people i want change so badly and everyone else doesn't but it happens to them and of course the one person who wants it (me), it doesn't happen to.

i think a tattoo would make me feel a lot better, but i have no money for it. ugh

damn me being a new computer.

bulletspace

so i designed these posters back in may and helped my teacher silkscreen them also. so finally some photos have appeared of them. i hope i can still get one of the prints once the semester starts up again in fall. i really wish i could have seen them up in nyc though while i was still living there, but im glad theres actual documentation of it.

things i cant control change all the time

when i was getting ready this morning, i noticed my eyes are looking a different color. i used to have dark brown eyes and they aren't so dark anymore, almost look hazel or slightly turning green. i wonder what causes it. its strange.

sometimes i just needed to dig a little deeper.

my ears are at a 0 gauge now. love it! wasn't too hard getting them in.

you know what some times people are real losers and try to make me feel bad cause they can't suck it up and get over things. get the fuck over it.

i love my friends, and im very happy with the people who are in my life right now, i couldn't be any happier about that.

i needed to dig a little deep to realize that but i've realized that, and im having a good time and things will work themselves out.

a lot of shitty people live in new jersey, but theres still a whole bunch that make everything worth it and make my life a whole lot better.

i ordered my awesome fanny pack

love this artwork

this is currently my desktop background.

love these photos i found and the color. and not to mention hot bike guys.

cant waitttt for this.

fathers day early

i gotta say i was actually really happy last night.  

we took my dad out yesterday for fathers day because he has work today. we went to this new orleans type restaurant. it was pretty awesome and had a band and the food was really good. would definately go back again. i know my dad enjoyed it a lot and it was great to see him have a good time since he's always working, and always tired. 

new favorites

New stuff:

favorite new color: green, i've doing a bunch of vinyl stuff in green and I just ordered a neon green case my cell phone. its very obnoxious and i love it. i can't fucking wait to get it.

when i was listening to champion last night on my car ride home, it made me feel a ton better, but right now i feel like crap. i also want to get the 0 gauges in my ears but Paul's new favorite word is maybe. i really hate the word maybe even though i use it a lot also. stupid word.

not favorite is all these mosquito bites i got from my bike ride at sandy hook the other day. ughhhhhhh.

i really want to get these candles going for my room but i should wait till i get paid next week.

also when i get paid im getting this.

much easier to carry around when im biking, and will still hold most of my stuff.

todays realizations thus far

what i have realized thus far from last night until this morning:

i get soooooo frustrated over things I can't control and that seems to be becoming more constant in my life. everyday.

alcohol is stupid. it covered up things in my life that i can see right through now. its the only thing that has made me feel more sure of myself everyday that it was the best decision.

on that note. alcohol makes people do stupid, insensitive things that hurt me. its pretty much 50/50 now.

i want someone to take care of me. im tired of taking care of everyone else.

i really should go break something so i don't have the urge to keep breaking everything.

moving away would be a quick fix, but not realistic at all right now.

god i just want to break every fucking thing.
i hate u so much.

i have to

i have to stop looking at things that remind me of what happened in the past. i push things in my mind far back, i've forgotten a lot of what happened. they just don't exist in my mind until i read my old live journal. not a good idea. now im super bummed out and super disgusted with what happened. maybe if i can get electro shock therapy i can burn those memories out of my head forever. and as i think about it more no wonder i feel so fucked up now.

i still don't know what is going on with my class for next year.
i still miss the city.

fuck now i have a headache.

otherwise i had a very good weekend, and hungout with paul a lot and rode bikes a lot.

overally everything is going very well, i just have so many things to figure about myself still.
i surprise myself everyday.

things are feeling a lot better overall. after tonight im feeling very hopeful again.

paint it black.

love this shirt and love that the type is in helvetica.

also great show last night. i havent been this sore in a while from a show and that is great. also knuckles bruised. so fucking hard haha.

hahahaha

tired

soooo tired at work for the past few days. must get used to less sleep please.

my everything

ive gotten to the point where im not even sad about it anymore, its gotten to the point where i want to break so much because of how much of me was invested. i gave everything.

i always give everything, to everything i do and maybe thats wrong but i feel like i have to give everything so i know ive given my best. my everything.

i recognize my faults so much more now. i definately have to work on some things.

time for a new me

i need to start listening to this song everyday. im tired of being a mope and tired of sitting around doing nothing about it. im better than that and i know it.

Time for a new me
I hear they're having a sale
At thrifty
I'm trading myself in
And I don't care what I get for it
'Cause I finally burned out
Been kicking myself for way too long

Finally found out
What it feels like to be living a lie
Wasting my time, paralyzed
Wishing I was in another world

Im taking a new tack
Gotta turn my back to turn back
I don't wanna feel this way anymore
So I'm finding my way out
By turning away from a brick wall

Finally found out
What it feels like to be living a lie
Wasting my time paralyzed
Wishing I was in another world

Somebody tell me what to do
I've wasted my last 15 years
Jumping through their hoops
Only to find nothing waiting for me
But academic oblivion
My proud destiny

See I finally burned out
Been Kicking myself for way too long

Finally found out
What it feels like to be living a lie
Wasting my time, paralyzed
Wishing I was in another world

Wishing I was in another world..
Somebody tell me what to do
Wishing I was in another world.

Time for a new me.

as of late

this is what i have decided as of late about myself:

i made a lot of changes in the last few monthes or so. i decided to cut a lot of crap out of my life that had added to the misery of me making horrible decisions that i had already made in the past. i did things that weren't me. i did things to make other people happy. i stayed in a relationship for 3 years out of fear of being alone. i drank myself stupid and regretted things the next morning. i made myself physically sicker and voluntarily made myself that sick. i was only hurting myself. 

so you wonder why i stopped drinking. thats why. physically ive never felt better and for the most part ill bounce back emotionally better even though its so on and off recently.

yes i have been having a rough time for the last month or so. i can only attribute this to me moving home and being done with school basically, and a relationship that didn't work out and really hurt me. 

this makes me question even more about me now more than it ever has. 

yea i think a lot about everything. i overthink a lot also. im actually pretty sure i gave myself a head ache last night for thinking too much. 

im very tired but i have to keep going and eventually everything will work out. 

i thought

i thought i was doing so well. but i always question myself and make myself crazy and then don't believe in myself anymore.

hungout with paul a bunch this week. lots of fun. been really awesome.

but of course today saturday, no one can do anything and i have nothing planned.

and i think i have a fever but can't tell cause my thermometer is broken.

fuck.

so so so

frustrated.

bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike

im going back to the city today for my interview for my portfolio class. i kind of feel like im going to puke right now. fuck. i just hope it goes well. 

it feels like the weekend already but it isn't haha. 

hopefully the rain holds out today. so tired of the rain!

lucky

so i keep telling myself somethings going to change

maybe i'll get lucky then i can smile again

cause thats what i wanna do

i want a smile for you

i'm waiting for somethings to go my way

i want to puke because i didn't think i could feel any sadder. 

im in a dark room.

i wish i could make everything better but i can't.

i wish i had you back more than ever right now. i wish i could make it better. i wish i could be in your arms.

sometimes shit is tough but we get through it and as a result are stronger, better people afterwards. 

today i got to relax and do nothing for the most part. slept a lot. printed out the other side of the cards for my mom. rode my bike. watched tv. read a bunch of bike blogs. watched some snl clips and got some jersey freeze later. 

i kind of forgot that i was still so burnt out from school and have still been waking up fairly early because its embedded in my mental clock still. i had forgotten how much work i had done. i forgot how stressful the school year was. i made a lot of changes over the school year and it was pretty hard on me but they are best decisions i have made yet in my life. i forgot how much has changed for the better. how much more comfortable i am with myself. more than i had ever been before.  i never really did take a break. so im glad today i finally got a break from everything and did everything that i wanted to do and not want to do. 

now a brief rant about my new bicycle cause i love it so damn much. it is so freaking light and smooth and handles great. i was definately uneasy at first about getting the fixed gear but i've really fallen in love with it. even though i am getting a front brake on it, i still am loving that sense of danger that there are no brakes and its just purely me and the bike in control. just my legs controlling the speed and my hands controlling the direction. i love the wind in my face and in my hair as i move along the road. just the simple things like that, that make me happy.

sometimes things are really really hard. harder than i expect them to be. im not quitting it just catches up with me sometimes. but im not quitting.

today and yesterday

yesterday i got my new bike and im so excited to ride it and put it together and all. my stomach has been a mess and i haven't had much of an appetite. i would like that back, than you very much.

today at work it was laughs the whole day and then i got super tired by the end and was ready to pass out around 3:30. came home, went food shopping with the mom and also rented a movie.

also got new rebel 8 hat and shirt yesterday. good stuff!

my tattoo also ate bike pedal when i was riding my bike with liz. it was a fuck my life day. but thankfully it only grazed my skin and its just pretty bruised now.

my dad also got me a law and order shirt with a note signed by jeff goldblum haha.

great!

trying to stay positive is the best thing for me right now.

should have

i should have gotten my new bike today but no one was there to sign for it.
ugh!

the best things that are at my job:

lemon tree
i listen to classic rock all day which is very funny
hour lunch break ( lots of time to read or do puzzles)
i work at a park and its always so nice to look outside but then again i want to be outside
im out by 4
one of the guys who works here is from Liverpool and his name is Michael and he says witty stuff everyday and it is awesome.
i can wear whatever i want for the most part.
we watch chris farley and people almost falling off niagra falls

new favorite song

old white lincoln- gaslight anthem

habits

initial reactions are always my worst parts about me. i over react. my mind jumps all over the place. im sporatic and unstable all at the same time. but then i calm down and im thinking logical again. like i said before i am only human. one day at a time. its just one day at a time. 

i need to realize that i am only human

ouch

today i got the rest of my room for the most part done. my dad and brother moved the desk upstairs. i got most of my frames except two up, which i have to buy hooks for so i can hang on the wall. 4 of them i still need photos for. i also need to make a stencil and spray paint the mirror and find something so i can hang it on the wall without a frame. Im not taking pictures until i get my mirror up and my new computer here to get the full effect of everything. Its pretty fucking rad in here now, thats all i gotta say.

so while assembling my chair for my desk, i dropped a very large piece of metal on my foot. needless to say it fucking hurt a lot. it made me cry. the end.

halfway through reading scattershot. its definately a rollercoaster ride that book.

 

back in the great state of new jersey

my room is almost done being redone. painting is done of walls and furniture. all that needs to be done is the hanging up of pictures and of moving the desk into my room and putting everything else away. pictures will be up eventually. im really like the new setup of it and i have a lot more space and its not as crammed as it used to be. i also really like having the bed in the corner so i can lean up against two walls now. 

yesterday went to the show at the lanes but never actually went inside except when i paid 10 bucks to go in to change into shorts and pee but then sold my wristband to chelsea, so got my 10 bucks back. the weather decided to be really sucky and kept changing so liz and i decided not to bring the bikes but of course when we get to asbury its not raining at all. when i walked into the lanes, old white lincoln was playing an it instantly reminded me of tom. im really trying hard to keep busy and i know these next few days will be shitty but i know it will be worth it in the end, cause this time its different.

just gotta keep a positive mental attitude thats all. 

my mom says im probably the most patient person she knows. 

ill be ever so patient.

today is SHIT!

today has started out as shit. it has rained all day. my room is a complete disaster area and i can't do anything about it really until we paint the room, which isn't today! i've thrown out about 5 garbage bags worth of stuff from yesterday and today. 

im in such an angsty mood and my family has gotten on my nerves today already and i just want to punch everyone in the face. arghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

a bike ride would have made this better if it wasn't fucking raining! 

update:

it got better. 

hungout with tom and watched more of freaks and geeks.

sleepy time!

less than 24 hours

in less than 24 hours i will be moving back to new jersey. i will not be moving back to nyc in september this time. i don't think it will really hit me until september comes around though. its weird how time goes by so fucking fast. 4 years already! 4 years after high school. i learned so much in these 4 years, that I'm really glad i got to experience even though somethings I wish had never happened, but definately helped me learn a lot about myself. 

tomorrow my dad is picking me up around 3 to move out. oh did i mention i also have a surfboard now haha. apparently ryan wasn't gonna take it at playboy so i claimed it! so exciting! 

then the great unpacking and room redoing will commence.

also applying for apple credit card and buying new computer this coming week possibly. 

things im looking forward to this summer:

-both of my jobs are gonna be awesome, so im looking forward to both of them and the people i'll be working with (not many people can say this haha but i actually can).

-bike rides

- learning to surf obviously, me and tom are gonna take turns killing ourselves while doing this haha

- hanging out with all of my friends who i haven't seen in a while

- hanging out with tom

- being stupid

- hanging outside

- having a GOOD TIME

- eating lots of cupcakes haha

hell yeah

gotta keep looking to tomorrow, gotta stay strong

here is wishing you the bluest skies

hoping something better comes tomorrow

hoping all the verses rhyme

the very best choruses too

follow all the doubt and sadness 

i know that better things are on their way

here is hoping all the days ahead

won't be as bitter as the ones behind you

be an optimist instead

and somehow happiness will find you

forgot what happened yesterday 

i know that better things are on their way

it's really good to see you rocking out and having fun

living life like you've just begun 

accept your life and what it brings

i hope tomorrow you find better things

i know tomorrow you'll find better things

i know you got a lot of good things happening up ahead 

the past is gone, it's all been said 

so heres to what the future brings 

i hope tomorrow you'll find better things

sometimes

i just need a smack in the face! 

tomorrow i hand in my portfolio. then im watching freaks and geeks the rest of the day and maybe hanging out outside but it won't be the same without my bike here.

i miss my bike dearly here. i get very jealous every time i see someone riding there's here which is about every second when im outside! booooo.

i want to fall asleep now, so i can make tomorrow come faster. :(

wow i actually have some time again

i finished my portfolio tuesday night and had it sent out wednesday morning. i can't believe its done. thank god. im pretty happy with it and really could give a shit less of what they say at the review because last year didn't help, its the classes that help you grow anyways, and not some stupid review. 

im going to order the bike today as soon as i get an email back from the company saying the size will be good for me. so exciting! my mother is gonna be pissed but oh well, I wanted it before and it just ran out of my size before. 

today will be my last day of communication graphic design. 3 classes down and two more to go, too bad they are spread over the next week and a half and I just can't finish them next week. It'll be nice to have the week off for the most part though. I just need to print out my cd stuff and thats it!

went the zoo yesterday and it was fun watching all the animals. I wish I had more time not to rush through but it also started to rain, so I guess it worked out that way. Maybe I'll go back next week since I'll have all that free time. 

countdown is at"drum roll" 9 days! can you believe that! i sure can't.

so close

i have about 5 more pages left of the portfolio. ugh.

im tired and very cranky and my eyes are burning and make me want to cry.

portfolio puts me in such a horrible stressful mood.

i don't want to be here.

i want to be in his arms.

wow im 22!

im 22 years old! im old! so wednesday was the music video awards and i won for best editing. 

it was a great time! friday i got out of work early went home, went for a bike ride, went the mall and got new plaid vans (!!!) and got new gauges. then hungout with tom who was drunk and silly. saturday was my bday! ah! a bunch of people didn't make it out, but thats ok cause i had an awesome time with liz and tom. it was a day of food! went to diner and got banana pancakes. mmmmmmmm. then went to asbury to go to the record store. got gorilla biscuits, link 80, and lifetime and of course some neil diamond (it was free). thennn we hungout outside cause it was glorious outside. next meal we got hibachi and it was great and then tom told them it was my birthday and it was the funniest thing ever, cause they came out with a gong and a a shooting sparkler on top of my cake and then kept saying bonzai! i wasn't even embarrased cause it was so funny. then went home and had ice cream cake and brownie/cookie cake. both were delicioussss. sooooo full by the end of the day. but sooooooo good.

now im back in the city. i dont think i plan on sleeping tonight. i have to get all my cd stuff done and hopefully get most of my portfolio done. my parents took a bunch of my stuff home also today so the moveout will be easier. i can't believe only 2 weeks left and im done living here and being here for the most part. 

countdown 13 days.

moveout!

i am moving out may 2nd. this means the countdown is now at 18 days. 

HELL YEAH!

i am also going to be 22 in 4 days. fuck. im getting older!

i got a lot of work done already but have been slowing down now. my stomach is being stupid again. im pretty tired but tomorrow will be so much fun. can't wait! i just kind of want to listen to records and lay in bed. but even better yet, laying in bed with tom listening to records AND eating cookies, without my stomach being stupid. 

picture post

another picture of the new tattoo in reference with my other leg
    really awesome flowers blooming in central park
vvvme in the glass of the sea lion pool.
the polar bear decided to go for a swim and it looked way awesome.

so graceful underwater. amazing that such a big guy could float so easily in the water.

this guy would not stop circling the pool the entire time.

snow monkeys!

20 more days

It will be 20 more days of living in the city. I will miss it yet I will not. I will miss being able to get around everywhere. Riding in the city, weaving in and out of cars, wondering if some cab driver isn't paying attention, but the thrill of that making it that more exciting. Missing the fact that there is always something going on, no matter what time of the night. Having the best food and art at my finger tips. This whole year all I have cared about is improving my artwork cause I felt it was at this stand still last year. It's great to feel that I have done so much better quality work that I was totally into this year. It wasn't projects that I was just given so I knew how to do it. No I did what I wanted to do this year. The days are winding down and its going by very fast. The next couple of weeks will be a lot of fun, hard work, no sleep, and sense of accomplishment, sadness and happiness. 

It is my time to leave though. I don't know if I could ever totally live in the city and feel settled because I always have the want to go back to New Jersey no matter what. As much as I will miss new york I have so many things to look forward to after this semester ends. I have the greatest friends, the greatest family, and the greatest new boyfriend, and those are all back here, and not there. 

New York city your a hell of a town, you'll always be in my heart, but new jersey took it first.

i can't ever stop missing

So I didn't get much sleep last night. I kept having dreams where my dog Valentine was in them. This happens every few monthes, and I always wake up upset missing her even more than before and then the entire day I'm on the verge of tears thinking about her. It has been a little over 2 years now since we had to put her down and its still so hard when I come home and expect to see her when I walk in the door. 

But in good news we are watching Riley this weekend which is really the next best thing, because he is awesome. He's huge and is like a bear.