this morning

this morning had a shitty start. i forgot to bring the coffee maker for my aunt and she was gonna pick it up from me at work. since i already had forgotten it yesterday i had to drive back and get it even though i was only 2 minutes away. ughhhhhhh. so instead of my driving for 20 minutes, it was more like an hour. im such a idiot sometimes haha.

they day has progressed now. im in such a funk. i have a reason to be mad about it all. i have a reason to be frustrated. i just want a straight answer from really any guy. im tired of playing games.

thanks for making me feel like crap and not good enough.

i try so fucking hard and i feel like im running in circles. nothing progresses and nothing changes. im having a bad day and everything is annoying me. i dont want to be around anyone. just really fuck everyone.

mmm love a good t-shirt

went with laura to the mall, target, and marshalls and i got a bunch of clothes yesterday. everything was decently priced. i got 2 pairs of jeans, tank top, 4 t-shirts, 3 dresses all for around a 100 bucks. that isn't bad at all. so im set for a while now.

i still want this dress from forever 21 that i saw on their website so im just gonna order it off there cause it was not in the store. poo!

afterwards me and laura were hysterical over doing the photobooth on my computer. i also proceeded to forget that my ceiling fan was going and i jumped and hit my hand into the spinning blades and fell on the floor laughing. great times.

then we went to the inkwell, met up with shaina, her cousins, sam, and nick. i had a delicious ice brownie sunday. yummmmm. i want another one right now! ton of fun. lot of good laughs and got some things cleared up that had been bothering me cause when is something not bothering me, really.

now im so freaking tired.

my grandmother fell and broke her ankle in two spots. oof.
my brothers graduation party is tomorrow. oof.
my aunt and uncle are coming today. yay.
hopefully i can see paul later.

retail therapy

yes i am going shopping for cute dresses, and maybe some new jeans and shorts and whatever else. yes it is going to make me feel better and i don't care.

my teeth hurt

i hate going to the dentist. they tell me i have to wear retainers for the rest of my life cause apparently your teeth are always shifting. well fuckkkkk that haha. so they yell at me everytime i go in and tell me to where it. nope! not doing it!

i had gummi worms with my lunch today. i havent had gummi worms in monthes.
it was good.

how come of all people i want change so badly and everyone else doesn't but it happens to them and of course the one person who wants it (me), it doesn't happen to.

i think a tattoo would make me feel a lot better, but i have no money for it. ugh

damn me being a new computer.

bulletspace

so i designed these posters back in may and helped my teacher silkscreen them also. so finally some photos have appeared of them. i hope i can still get one of the prints once the semester starts up again in fall. i really wish i could have seen them up in nyc though while i was still living there, but im glad theres actual documentation of it.

things i cant control change all the time

when i was getting ready this morning, i noticed my eyes are looking a different color. i used to have dark brown eyes and they aren't so dark anymore, almost look hazel or slightly turning green. i wonder what causes it. its strange.

sometimes i just needed to dig a little deeper.

my ears are at a 0 gauge now. love it! wasn't too hard getting them in.

you know what some times people are real losers and try to make me feel bad cause they can't suck it up and get over things. get the fuck over it.

i love my friends, and im very happy with the people who are in my life right now, i couldn't be any happier about that.

i needed to dig a little deep to realize that but i've realized that, and im having a good time and things will work themselves out.

a lot of shitty people live in new jersey, but theres still a whole bunch that make everything worth it and make my life a whole lot better.

i ordered my awesome fanny pack

love this artwork

this is currently my desktop background.

love these photos i found and the color. and not to mention hot bike guys.

cant waitttt for this.

fathers day early

i gotta say i was actually really happy last night.  

we took my dad out yesterday for fathers day because he has work today. we went to this new orleans type restaurant. it was pretty awesome and had a band and the food was really good. would definately go back again. i know my dad enjoyed it a lot and it was great to see him have a good time since he's always working, and always tired. 

new favorites

New stuff:

favorite new color: green, i've doing a bunch of vinyl stuff in green and I just ordered a neon green case my cell phone. its very obnoxious and i love it. i can't fucking wait to get it.

when i was listening to champion last night on my car ride home, it made me feel a ton better, but right now i feel like crap. i also want to get the 0 gauges in my ears but Paul's new favorite word is maybe. i really hate the word maybe even though i use it a lot also. stupid word.

not favorite is all these mosquito bites i got from my bike ride at sandy hook the other day. ughhhhhhh.

i really want to get these candles going for my room but i should wait till i get paid next week.

also when i get paid im getting this.

much easier to carry around when im biking, and will still hold most of my stuff.

todays realizations thus far

what i have realized thus far from last night until this morning:

i get soooooo frustrated over things I can't control and that seems to be becoming more constant in my life. everyday.

alcohol is stupid. it covered up things in my life that i can see right through now. its the only thing that has made me feel more sure of myself everyday that it was the best decision.

on that note. alcohol makes people do stupid, insensitive things that hurt me. its pretty much 50/50 now.

i want someone to take care of me. im tired of taking care of everyone else.

i really should go break something so i don't have the urge to keep breaking everything.

moving away would be a quick fix, but not realistic at all right now.

god i just want to break every fucking thing.
i hate u so much.

i have to

i have to stop looking at things that remind me of what happened in the past. i push things in my mind far back, i've forgotten a lot of what happened. they just don't exist in my mind until i read my old live journal. not a good idea. now im super bummed out and super disgusted with what happened. maybe if i can get electro shock therapy i can burn those memories out of my head forever. and as i think about it more no wonder i feel so fucked up now.

i still don't know what is going on with my class for next year.
i still miss the city.

fuck now i have a headache.

otherwise i had a very good weekend, and hungout with paul a lot and rode bikes a lot.

overally everything is going very well, i just have so many things to figure about myself still.
i surprise myself everyday.

things are feeling a lot better overall. after tonight im feeling very hopeful again.

paint it black.

love this shirt and love that the type is in helvetica.

also great show last night. i havent been this sore in a while from a show and that is great. also knuckles bruised. so fucking hard haha.

hahahaha

tired

soooo tired at work for the past few days. must get used to less sleep please.

my everything

ive gotten to the point where im not even sad about it anymore, its gotten to the point where i want to break so much because of how much of me was invested. i gave everything.

i always give everything, to everything i do and maybe thats wrong but i feel like i have to give everything so i know ive given my best. my everything.

i recognize my faults so much more now. i definately have to work on some things.

time for a new me

i need to start listening to this song everyday. im tired of being a mope and tired of sitting around doing nothing about it. im better than that and i know it.

Time for a new me
I hear they're having a sale
At thrifty
I'm trading myself in
And I don't care what I get for it
'Cause I finally burned out
Been kicking myself for way too long

Finally found out
What it feels like to be living a lie
Wasting my time, paralyzed
Wishing I was in another world

Im taking a new tack
Gotta turn my back to turn back
I don't wanna feel this way anymore
So I'm finding my way out
By turning away from a brick wall

Finally found out
What it feels like to be living a lie
Wasting my time paralyzed
Wishing I was in another world

Somebody tell me what to do
I've wasted my last 15 years
Jumping through their hoops
Only to find nothing waiting for me
But academic oblivion
My proud destiny

See I finally burned out
Been Kicking myself for way too long

Finally found out
What it feels like to be living a lie
Wasting my time, paralyzed
Wishing I was in another world

Wishing I was in another world..
Somebody tell me what to do
Wishing I was in another world.

Time for a new me.

as of late

this is what i have decided as of late about myself:

i made a lot of changes in the last few monthes or so. i decided to cut a lot of crap out of my life that had added to the misery of me making horrible decisions that i had already made in the past. i did things that weren't me. i did things to make other people happy. i stayed in a relationship for 3 years out of fear of being alone. i drank myself stupid and regretted things the next morning. i made myself physically sicker and voluntarily made myself that sick. i was only hurting myself. 

so you wonder why i stopped drinking. thats why. physically ive never felt better and for the most part ill bounce back emotionally better even though its so on and off recently.

yes i have been having a rough time for the last month or so. i can only attribute this to me moving home and being done with school basically, and a relationship that didn't work out and really hurt me. 

this makes me question even more about me now more than it ever has. 

yea i think a lot about everything. i overthink a lot also. im actually pretty sure i gave myself a head ache last night for thinking too much. 

im very tired but i have to keep going and eventually everything will work out. 

i thought

i thought i was doing so well. but i always question myself and make myself crazy and then don't believe in myself anymore.

hungout with paul a bunch this week. lots of fun. been really awesome.

but of course today saturday, no one can do anything and i have nothing planned.

and i think i have a fever but can't tell cause my thermometer is broken.

fuck.

so so so

frustrated.

bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike

im going back to the city today for my interview for my portfolio class. i kind of feel like im going to puke right now. fuck. i just hope it goes well. 

it feels like the weekend already but it isn't haha. 

hopefully the rain holds out today. so tired of the rain!