start today

so today has really shown me how depressed i was. i would say for the last two months or less all i would do is sleep most of the day, stay in my room all day. do maybe one thing like hangout with friends or something and that was it. i could care less about anything except sleeping and forgetting who i am. i wanted to forget what had happened to me so badly my brain convinced my body to just be exhausted all the time forcing me to fall asleep. today has been the first day in a while where i have successfully done a multiple of things and not feeling the need to go take a nap or something. i ate also very healthy today. i've been getting things done. i am going on an interview with zumiez later for a 2nd job. im feeling really motivated to keep myself busy and im hoping everything else will fall into place also. im hoping that today is the start of me feeling back to myself again even though i know things are still going to be hard.

what am i searching for

What I'm searching for
to tell it straight, I'm tryin to build a wall
Walking by myself
down avenues that reek of time to kill
If you see me keep going
be a pass by waver
Build me up, bring me down
just leave me out you name dropper
Stop tryin to catch my eye
I see you good you forced faker
Just make it easy
You're my enemy you fast talker

I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for all the things that I believe

What am I here for
I left my home to disappear is all
I'm here for myself
Not to know you
I don't need no one else
Fit in so good the hope is that you cannot see me later
You don't know me
I am an introvert an excavator
I'm duckin' out for now
a face in dodgy elevators
Creep up and suddenly
I found myself
an innovator

Change, change, change,
I want to get up out of my skin
tell you what
if I can shake it
I'm 'a make this
something worth dreaming of

i hate that you get to be happy now and i don't. i hate that i ever tried. i hate that im so fucking alone.

when he said i always looked pretty it made me forget how horrible i feel about myself. he always makes me forgot that i feel horrible and makes me feel so happy and amazing. its that look.

i want me back

i want the old me back before summer happened. i don't like me now. i don't like any part of me now. i actually hate me. can't i have me back. why did this have to ruin me. it ruined all of my confidence in myself.

if i can't change how i feel soon.... i don't know what to do anymore. i don't have any answers, and no one can give me any.

i made the mistake and i just really never know when im going to forgive myself. i still can't accept it. i thought i did, but i haven't at all. i hate myself for being so stupid. i wish i could forgive myself now but that won't be happening very soon.

i want to scream hoping that it would leave but it won't. its never going to leave me now.

help me find the strength to get past this because im so fucking tired and i have no more excuses to give myself.

please can i get lucky already

So I keep telling myself something's going to change
Maybe I'll get lucky then I can smile again
Cause that's what I want to do
I want a smile for you
I'm waiting for some things to go my way