thank god!

today was my last day of work for playboy for the week. i must say im very tired from working there 3 days in a row but glad I did it so I could make some extra money. yay! 

i have noticed how badly the economy is finally getting. my mom told me today the county I live in is not going to have a job program for this summer. thats a ton of jobs people will not have this summer. also i am very lucky to get my job back at the park system as other people who have worked there 20 years and plus are being laid off. so im really happy i have it and very grateful, otherwise i really don't know what i would have done this summer. i really look forward to having my morning talks again with my favorite old brit, michael and all the other crazy characters there and of course making funny vinyl stickers again. 

tomorrow is going to be a great day!

working with my music video teacher, graham (my other favorite brit), on finishing stuff for our awards show with some other classmates in brooklyn, apparently spray painting will be happening. great haha. then i gotta pack up and meet up with my mom and her work friends for brazilian food and then a broadway show. im super hyped on having some fried plantains! YES.

so now since im done with work i can finally somewhat relax for the rest of my break, which is not very much left. but i will enjoy it nonetheless.

new picturess

Morton salt girl silkscreen print I did. Instead of regular rain it is acid rain complete with holes in the umbrella and "when it rains, it burns" I also hand drew it all. yea i got skill.

these are so creepy looking. what are you lookin at!

you really gotta eat something dude!

did i mention i really love spending hours in museums.

BEAR!

BISON!

!!!

SHIT TALKER!

just sweat it out.

yesterday i got a haircut and went to a hot yoga class. i was sweating my ass off. i have never sweated so much in my entire life but it was probably the best thing i needed right now. i feel like i sweated out all the stress and worries inside of me. all i thought about for an hour and a half was to breath and whatever position i had to do. it was really great and i understand why people like it so much. so i plan on going to it every week hopefully. it just really made me feel a lot better. 

but today was back to real life and work again. back to worries. and back to exhaustion.

ugh!

my brain and heart aren't communicating anymore.

i dont know whats wrong with my brain. i have lost the capacity to feel anything humane anymore.

 

i work more and more to forget that my brain and heart haven't been the same in monthes.

what has happened?

gasping for air

i woke up at some point in the morning apparently gasping. looked like i had a bad dream. i don't remember it at all. jackie apparently witnessed me doing this. great.

i have lost

a lot of hope in what may become of me finding someone. it saddens me a lot. i don't want the urge but it always remains. i miss that feeling. i thought i had it before, but things don't always work out. 

i have become increasingly mad about chris trying to contact me. there are many things I have realized what my relationship with him did, it contributed a lot of pain and struggle with my friends and family, the people i love the most. it hurt some of the closest people in my life and i wish i could make it all forgotten. i'm so sorry. i never wanted my relationship with someone to hurt everyone else. i should have listened better. its one of those traits that i always was so proud of before and i lost it when i was with him. words were falling on deaf ears. i was so stupid. it isn't worth it. no one is worth that. i feel bad about it all the time. i made a lot of poor decisions and i think about it a lot even though things are a lot better now but I can't help but think what the present would have been now if i had made some wiser decisions. 

i wish i could make that anger go away. 

ive lost a lot of motivation at school. i don't feel like doing much work anymore.

ive become increasingly agitated and frustrated. 

work at playboy has become annoying. it'll be good when im done.

next week is spring break. thank god.