i have lost

a lot of hope in what may become of me finding someone. it saddens me a lot. i don't want the urge but it always remains. i miss that feeling. i thought i had it before, but things don't always work out. 

i have become increasingly mad about chris trying to contact me. there are many things I have realized what my relationship with him did, it contributed a lot of pain and struggle with my friends and family, the people i love the most. it hurt some of the closest people in my life and i wish i could make it all forgotten. i'm so sorry. i never wanted my relationship with someone to hurt everyone else. i should have listened better. its one of those traits that i always was so proud of before and i lost it when i was with him. words were falling on deaf ears. i was so stupid. it isn't worth it. no one is worth that. i feel bad about it all the time. i made a lot of poor decisions and i think about it a lot even though things are a lot better now but I can't help but think what the present would have been now if i had made some wiser decisions. 

i wish i could make that anger go away. 

ive lost a lot of motivation at school. i don't feel like doing much work anymore.

ive become increasingly agitated and frustrated. 

work at playboy has become annoying. it'll be good when im done.

next week is spring break. thank god.