busy bee

i had a really good day at my first day working at power monkey. i was busy the entire time and it was good. i didn't have to think about everything else that was going on in my life and could completely focus my mind entirely on the task at hand. that hasn't happened in a very long time. i know i shouldn't rely on other things to think that things will change and that i will change but i still will hope that i will have that change in me again so I can feel back to normal or just somewhat good about myself in general.

lots of work means me going to sleep early and i can't wait. i don't feel like a total waste of life anymore.

the only thing i can do

its been really rough at night lately for me and i figured i just have to channel all this emotion and distress into drawing something, because since this is the only emotion i am feeling i might as well transfer the energy of it into something else instead of me just laying in bed at night and waiting to get so tired from being so upset and pass out. i made a pretty little bird tonight.

2 ex-bfs have contacted me this week. i don't know what to make of this. one i do not want in my life at all. hes a person that i have nothing in common with and was verbally abusive with me. i could care less if i ever saw him again. the other one i can't decide..... i guess hes made some sort of effort to hangout with me but it never follows through and makes me question why i am being contacted in the first place. its unfinished business. i was never given an answer to really when and why it was ended and he moved on to someone else a couple monthes later. do i think that was fair? not at all. i see him with a girl a little over a month later at the mall while i turn away in hurt with my friends and his friends. what am i suppose to think? did i mean anything to him at all? did i do everything for him and it was taken for granted? it makes me wonder if i should ever be so open and trusting with a guy again, but he was followed by another guy who has ruined all chance of me really trusting guys who i involve myself with in a dating manner i guess. i hate that i have been fucked over by almost every guy i have dated since chris. theres only 1 guy that i still am very close with and trust but still nothing has worked out and it has been more than a year later now. does this make me regret breaking up with chris since i knew he loved me? no, not at all. i wasn't in love with him anymore. my life would not be what it is now. i would not have met so many amazing people that i love in my life now. it just makes me really wonder what im looking for anymore in a partner, or if im making the same mistakes and just not recognizing what i am doing and thats why these things happen. but i can't recognize it because every guy i have dated is so different from each other. they maybe have some music in common but everything else is different. i am as clueless as ever and do not know where life is going to take me or who i will end up with, but i wish for my sake that any guy that wishes to be involved in my life for my own sanity and heart will not break my heart again.

start today

so today has really shown me how depressed i was. i would say for the last two months or less all i would do is sleep most of the day, stay in my room all day. do maybe one thing like hangout with friends or something and that was it. i could care less about anything except sleeping and forgetting who i am. i wanted to forget what had happened to me so badly my brain convinced my body to just be exhausted all the time forcing me to fall asleep. today has been the first day in a while where i have successfully done a multiple of things and not feeling the need to go take a nap or something. i ate also very healthy today. i've been getting things done. i am going on an interview with zumiez later for a 2nd job. im feeling really motivated to keep myself busy and im hoping everything else will fall into place also. im hoping that today is the start of me feeling back to myself again even though i know things are still going to be hard.

what am i searching for

What I'm searching for
to tell it straight, I'm tryin to build a wall
Walking by myself
down avenues that reek of time to kill
If you see me keep going
be a pass by waver
Build me up, bring me down
just leave me out you name dropper
Stop tryin to catch my eye
I see you good you forced faker
Just make it easy
You're my enemy you fast talker

I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for all the things that I believe

What am I here for
I left my home to disappear is all
I'm here for myself
Not to know you
I don't need no one else
Fit in so good the hope is that you cannot see me later
You don't know me
I am an introvert an excavator
I'm duckin' out for now
a face in dodgy elevators
Creep up and suddenly
I found myself
an innovator

Change, change, change,
I want to get up out of my skin
tell you what
if I can shake it
I'm 'a make this
something worth dreaming of

i hate that you get to be happy now and i don't. i hate that i ever tried. i hate that im so fucking alone.

when he said i always looked pretty it made me forget how horrible i feel about myself. he always makes me forgot that i feel horrible and makes me feel so happy and amazing. its that look.