bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike

im going back to the city today for my interview for my portfolio class. i kind of feel like im going to puke right now. fuck. i just hope it goes well. 

it feels like the weekend already but it isn't haha. 

hopefully the rain holds out today. so tired of the rain!

lucky

so i keep telling myself somethings going to change

maybe i'll get lucky then i can smile again

cause thats what i wanna do

i want a smile for you

i'm waiting for somethings to go my way

i want to puke because i didn't think i could feel any sadder. 

im in a dark room.

i wish i could make everything better but i can't.

i wish i had you back more than ever right now. i wish i could make it better. i wish i could be in your arms.

sometimes shit is tough but we get through it and as a result are stronger, better people afterwards. 

today i got to relax and do nothing for the most part. slept a lot. printed out the other side of the cards for my mom. rode my bike. watched tv. read a bunch of bike blogs. watched some snl clips and got some jersey freeze later. 

i kind of forgot that i was still so burnt out from school and have still been waking up fairly early because its embedded in my mental clock still. i had forgotten how much work i had done. i forgot how stressful the school year was. i made a lot of changes over the school year and it was pretty hard on me but they are best decisions i have made yet in my life. i forgot how much has changed for the better. how much more comfortable i am with myself. more than i had ever been before.  i never really did take a break. so im glad today i finally got a break from everything and did everything that i wanted to do and not want to do. 

now a brief rant about my new bicycle cause i love it so damn much. it is so freaking light and smooth and handles great. i was definately uneasy at first about getting the fixed gear but i've really fallen in love with it. even though i am getting a front brake on it, i still am loving that sense of danger that there are no brakes and its just purely me and the bike in control. just my legs controlling the speed and my hands controlling the direction. i love the wind in my face and in my hair as i move along the road. just the simple things like that, that make me happy.

sometimes things are really really hard. harder than i expect them to be. im not quitting it just catches up with me sometimes. but im not quitting.

today and yesterday

yesterday i got my new bike and im so excited to ride it and put it together and all. my stomach has been a mess and i haven't had much of an appetite. i would like that back, than you very much.

today at work it was laughs the whole day and then i got super tired by the end and was ready to pass out around 3:30. came home, went food shopping with the mom and also rented a movie.

also got new rebel 8 hat and shirt yesterday. good stuff!

my tattoo also ate bike pedal when i was riding my bike with liz. it was a fuck my life day. but thankfully it only grazed my skin and its just pretty bruised now.

my dad also got me a law and order shirt with a note signed by jeff goldblum haha.

great!

trying to stay positive is the best thing for me right now.