depressive siblings

i know my brother is depressed. he drinks in his room at night and watches whatever is on tv or plays video games.

as am i. sleeping till 11 almost every day and watching tv, browsing the internet, eating, watching whatever else.

partners in crime.

at least i know im not alone.

i hate being alone. hate being alone. cant take being alone.

i fucking hate everything

i hate how i feel about everything. i feel like fucking shit.

need more of it

im just so in love

with ska again and it makes me soooooo happy. for a while i had some attached emotions with certain bands to a certain someone and i forgot how much i love this music. so fucking happy right now its great. i just have the urge to buy a ton of bosstones records and just fuck. its great.

heres what i really have to do starting this week:

apply for internships/jobs

buy yarn and buttons for my grandma for my sweater

draw ( i've just lost all motivation this past month but im starting to feel better about myself again)

keep being healthy and taking my vitamins and such

start riding a lot more again ( im feeling healthy again and not so physically weak)

prepare myself for school to be starting, fuck i can't believe it.

get an oil change in the car.

start putting money away for my next tattoo.

finish my fucking room! which entails:

buying ink so i can finish printing out pictures

spray paint the mirror and find things so i can hang the mirror without a frame

hang the rest of the frames

a lot to do but i just really need to start to get myself moving thats all.

i wake up

feeling sick and shitty everyday now. but the day always gets better as it goes along.

this month has been the hardest month of my entire life. not gonna lie my self-confidence is fucking shot. i feel like im in high school again, cause thats what my self-confidence was like.

i've lost so much motivation in so much of me.

im most happy when im hanging out with my friends. i forget about how i feel and just laugh cause i know its the best thing for me right now. but as before i was able to be by myself and be comfortable, i can't now. i feel so much lonelier now and it sucks. i was always so good at doing things alone before and now i can't say the same anymore.

i've continued to have really great friends in nj, and gained so many in long island. john has been an amazing person to me and if it wasn't for him i don't know if i would have gotten out of bed in this month.

it really fucking sucks that bad things happen to good people and now i understand that statement so much now. i just gotta keep busy. keep me busy.

the mornings are always the worst when i wake up.

i just want to like myself again. that is all.

the people we meet

i have met so many amazing new friends this summer and i am so thankful for it. i also met some shitty people but i have a big heart and have forgiven them and we have gotten past all the stupid bullshit.

in other news, i just spent 3 days non-stop of absolute insane fun. it was great and makes me want to move to long island.

i will do this one day. join me.

im going crazy

im going crazy here. get me out of here!

so confused. so utterly confused. but when has life not been confusing.

i wish

i wish wish wish

that life was so much less complicated......

i just want someone to take care of me thats all.

and i will flail under these lights that seep down from the bitter sky tonight

and i will kick and beat my wrists together

and feel an ocean breathing waves, feel them licking at my face.

ceilings don't exist and there are no floors beneath me.

if i were king of this night, would you become my queen?

and i hope, your majesty that you like your position.

i'll do everything i can to keep you by my side

and i'll stare off through the darkness to find us a kingdom.

just kiss me before i go.

i'll have to walk a thousand miles just to find the ground deserving of your feet.

you could throw me down and walk on me

and i'd just look on through my love and through the haze.

bearrrr

oh hell yea i want this. bear obsession reaching an all time high!

finding humor in everything now

i have learned so much this week.

im going to get through it all.

im going to be healthy.

im going to be even more positive about everything.

ive also really learned to find humor in all of these very shitty events that have happened.

gotta keep laughing and gotta keep smiling.

my dad is still in the hospital. i really hope he feels better tomorrow so he can come home. i feel very bad for him. don't like seeing him in any pain at all.

i went to a very funny party tonight in englishtown. was all hyped about riding my bike over when it started to rain. then i waited it out a little so it was only a slow drizzle and rode over. some car honked at me, typical guido asshole. don't worry asshole im saving money on my gas! got to john's house. everyone was pretty sloshed but i was mainly there to see elana. it was fun for the majority of the time making fun of the drunk dorks with elana, but then some stupid girl started talking about coke and it was disgusting and i wanted to spit on her face. ive never had the urge to spit on someone before but on her i did. so i left. also some guy told me i was fresh. ha! just pointing out the obvious! had some good laughs and saw john, dan, elana, and that was good enough for me. rode back.

very fun riding at night when no one is on the road. just great.

getting better i think

so i stayed in last night. took a nap. ate well. got a lot of rest. fallen asleep by 10pm. i definately don't feel tired at work today which hasn't happened in a very long time. took all my pills and vitamins and what not today. drank a cup of oj, had a bagel with tea. once i get my energy up a little bit more again, i feel like ill be up to riding my bike. that has probably been the worst part of me being sick and burnt out. i have no energy to do really anything and when I do, do anything relatively physical, I crash horribly afterwards. i just really miss riding my bike and its probably been about 2 weeks since I have.

i wish i was joking about how i feel right now. but im not. im just trying to get myself better so this doesn't happen again or continue how it is.

since this is my last week of work today we are getting blizzards, and I can't wait to get it!

A blizzard can put anyone in better spirits. Come on!

falling asleep

i think i need to type something, otherwise im just gonna fall asleep as I sit here really having nothing to do at work. god im so tired.

can't wait to go home and relax. i really need next week to go away. i need the rest so badly. my immune system is hurting badly right now and i need to make it strong again. im going to start taking better care of myself ever than before. physically im just not paying attention to my body. im gonna start taking vitamins, drink oj everyday, get more rest, eat really healthy.

i want a dog!

dogs!

i just really love taking photos of dogs and haven't in the longest time. sucks!

photos/found