lucky

so i keep telling myself somethings going to change

maybe i'll get lucky then i can smile again

cause thats what i wanna do

i want a smile for you

i'm waiting for somethings to go my way

i want to puke because i didn't think i could feel any sadder. 

im in a dark room.

i wish i could make everything better but i can't.

i wish i had you back more than ever right now. i wish i could make it better. i wish i could be in your arms.

sometimes shit is tough but we get through it and as a result are stronger, better people afterwards. 

today i got to relax and do nothing for the most part. slept a lot. printed out the other side of the cards for my mom. rode my bike. watched tv. read a bunch of bike blogs. watched some snl clips and got some jersey freeze later. 

i kind of forgot that i was still so burnt out from school and have still been waking up fairly early because its embedded in my mental clock still. i had forgotten how much work i had done. i forgot how stressful the school year was. i made a lot of changes over the school year and it was pretty hard on me but they are best decisions i have made yet in my life. i forgot how much has changed for the better. how much more comfortable i am with myself. more than i had ever been before.  i never really did take a break. so im glad today i finally got a break from everything and did everything that i wanted to do and not want to do. 

now a brief rant about my new bicycle cause i love it so damn much. it is so freaking light and smooth and handles great. i was definately uneasy at first about getting the fixed gear but i've really fallen in love with it. even though i am getting a front brake on it, i still am loving that sense of danger that there are no brakes and its just purely me and the bike in control. just my legs controlling the speed and my hands controlling the direction. i love the wind in my face and in my hair as i move along the road. just the simple things like that, that make me happy.

sometimes things are really really hard. harder than i expect them to be. im not quitting it just catches up with me sometimes. but im not quitting.

today and yesterday

yesterday i got my new bike and im so excited to ride it and put it together and all. my stomach has been a mess and i haven't had much of an appetite. i would like that back, than you very much.

today at work it was laughs the whole day and then i got super tired by the end and was ready to pass out around 3:30. came home, went food shopping with the mom and also rented a movie.

also got new rebel 8 hat and shirt yesterday. good stuff!

my tattoo also ate bike pedal when i was riding my bike with liz. it was a fuck my life day. but thankfully it only grazed my skin and its just pretty bruised now.

my dad also got me a law and order shirt with a note signed by jeff goldblum haha.

great!

trying to stay positive is the best thing for me right now.

should have

i should have gotten my new bike today but no one was there to sign for it.
ugh!

the best things that are at my job:

lemon tree
i listen to classic rock all day which is very funny
hour lunch break ( lots of time to read or do puzzles)
i work at a park and its always so nice to look outside but then again i want to be outside
im out by 4
one of the guys who works here is from Liverpool and his name is Michael and he says witty stuff everyday and it is awesome.
i can wear whatever i want for the most part.
we watch chris farley and people almost falling off niagra falls

new favorite song

old white lincoln- gaslight anthem

habits

initial reactions are always my worst parts about me. i over react. my mind jumps all over the place. im sporatic and unstable all at the same time. but then i calm down and im thinking logical again. like i said before i am only human. one day at a time. its just one day at a time. 

i need to realize that i am only human

ouch

today i got the rest of my room for the most part done. my dad and brother moved the desk upstairs. i got most of my frames except two up, which i have to buy hooks for so i can hang on the wall. 4 of them i still need photos for. i also need to make a stencil and spray paint the mirror and find something so i can hang it on the wall without a frame. Im not taking pictures until i get my mirror up and my new computer here to get the full effect of everything. Its pretty fucking rad in here now, thats all i gotta say.

so while assembling my chair for my desk, i dropped a very large piece of metal on my foot. needless to say it fucking hurt a lot. it made me cry. the end.

halfway through reading scattershot. its definately a rollercoaster ride that book.

 

back in the great state of new jersey

my room is almost done being redone. painting is done of walls and furniture. all that needs to be done is the hanging up of pictures and of moving the desk into my room and putting everything else away. pictures will be up eventually. im really like the new setup of it and i have a lot more space and its not as crammed as it used to be. i also really like having the bed in the corner so i can lean up against two walls now. 

yesterday went to the show at the lanes but never actually went inside except when i paid 10 bucks to go in to change into shorts and pee but then sold my wristband to chelsea, so got my 10 bucks back. the weather decided to be really sucky and kept changing so liz and i decided not to bring the bikes but of course when we get to asbury its not raining at all. when i walked into the lanes, old white lincoln was playing an it instantly reminded me of tom. im really trying hard to keep busy and i know these next few days will be shitty but i know it will be worth it in the end, cause this time its different.

just gotta keep a positive mental attitude thats all. 

my mom says im probably the most patient person she knows. 

ill be ever so patient.

today is SHIT!

today has started out as shit. it has rained all day. my room is a complete disaster area and i can't do anything about it really until we paint the room, which isn't today! i've thrown out about 5 garbage bags worth of stuff from yesterday and today. 

im in such an angsty mood and my family has gotten on my nerves today already and i just want to punch everyone in the face. arghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

a bike ride would have made this better if it wasn't fucking raining! 

update:

it got better. 

hungout with tom and watched more of freaks and geeks.

sleepy time!

less than 24 hours

in less than 24 hours i will be moving back to new jersey. i will not be moving back to nyc in september this time. i don't think it will really hit me until september comes around though. its weird how time goes by so fucking fast. 4 years already! 4 years after high school. i learned so much in these 4 years, that I'm really glad i got to experience even though somethings I wish had never happened, but definately helped me learn a lot about myself. 

tomorrow my dad is picking me up around 3 to move out. oh did i mention i also have a surfboard now haha. apparently ryan wasn't gonna take it at playboy so i claimed it! so exciting! 

then the great unpacking and room redoing will commence.

also applying for apple credit card and buying new computer this coming week possibly. 

things im looking forward to this summer:

-both of my jobs are gonna be awesome, so im looking forward to both of them and the people i'll be working with (not many people can say this haha but i actually can).

-bike rides

- learning to surf obviously, me and tom are gonna take turns killing ourselves while doing this haha

- hanging out with all of my friends who i haven't seen in a while

- hanging out with tom

- being stupid

- hanging outside

- having a GOOD TIME

- eating lots of cupcakes haha

hell yeah